Supporting young children to talk about their feelings

From the moment they are born, children begin to experience and learn about different emotions, both in themselves and others, but it does take a while for them to develop the skills required to engage with these emotions in a positive and constructive way. 

Without the proper language and communication tools, young children often become frustrated when trying to share how they are feeling, leading to the well-known ‘toddler tantrum’ over what seems to be the most simple, or often bizarre, thing. 

Although it can be a complex journey to understanding and responding to emotions in a positive way, emotional intelligence and talking about these feelings will have a crucial impact on a child’s life, influencing their self-esteem, relationships with others, and even their academic success.

Be a role model and talk about your feelings

Just like most things when it comes to children, they’ll learn best when they watch things in practice. The more you talk about your feelings in an open and honest way, the better children will get at doing this themselves.

A simple way to incorporate this into everyday life is to vocalise how you are feeling. For example, ‘I am feeling worried about a meeting I have at work today’. Although a child will likely not understand the totality of what’s going on, they will recognise that you’ve clearly verbalised how you are feeling and explained why this is, without any assessment of that situation. 

While you don’t have to tell your child your every emotion, speaking openly about how you are feeling at different times during the day is a great introduction to how the people around them engage with their own emotions.

Where possible, it’s also a good idea to cover a range of different feelings so that you’re not focusing too much on one particular temperament. 

Avoid labelling emotions as good or bad

It goes without saying that nobody particularly wants to feel the emotions that we typically think of as negative; sad, angry or worried for example, but each of these emotions are a part of life and something we all experience at some point. 

Acknowledging every emotion, without attaching a label of ‘good’ or ‘bad’, will make it easier for children to be honest about their feelings, and help to avoid any stigma being attached to certain emotions, such as guilt or shame. 

Avoiding labels can also make it easier to put positive methods in place for managing feelings that may feel overwhelming for children, such as frustration or anger. They’ll start to understand that whilst these feelings aren’t shameful, there are things they can do to bring themselves back to a more even keel. You might consider encouraging breathing techniques or alone time where children can work through their feelings.

Use straightforward language to children about mental health

When we talk about our emotions as adults, it’s often done with some level of crypticity; statements such as, ‘I’ll get over it’ or ‘I’m fine don’t worry’ commonly follow a conversation about the things going on in our lives. 

This difficulty that many of us experience with being open about how we are feeling and why potentially stems from previous generations as well as the typical ‘stiff upper lip’ associated with British culture. 

However, the more forward you are about your feelings, the easier it will be for children to understand their own emotions as well as how the people around them are feeling. 

When encouraging your child to talk about their emotions, try to stick to simple language; I feel sad because the dog is sick, for example. This allows a child to understand the reasoning for how you are feeling, and they will, in turn, find it easier to apply this to themselves.

Asking direct questions is a great tool for this too. For example, if a child is crying because their favourite toy has broken, you could ask them, ‘has your toy breaking made you feel sad?’. This sounds simple, but putting language to feelings is a really easy way to encourage children to recognise their emotions.

Once they understand the link between the situation and how they are feeling, you can then validate their mood; ‘it’s ok to feel sad because your toy is broken, you loved that toy very much and it is sad that you won’t be able to play with it anymore’. 

Emotional development in early years education

Emotional development forms one of the seven key areas of the Early Years Foundation Stage curriculum, along with personal and social development. It also features in the other early years curriculums in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

As well as recognising that children need help to learn how to make sense of their emotions as they learn to process and verbalise how they are feeling, the EYFS curriculum also acknowledges that the way children express their emotions is a great tool for understanding their behaviour. 

This video gives an insight into how emotional development forms a key part of the early years of a child’s life, and how this is incorporated into early education:

Allow children to release emotions

Understanding emotions doesn’t need to be all about talking. Whilst this is a great way to verbalise how we are feeling and communicate with others, during the early stages of development, children may benefit from alternative outlets for their emotions. 

Effective techniques will depend on the individual child. Some examples include:

• Physical play – simple things like running or dancing freely can help children shake off some frustration.
• Creating – children could draw or paint pictures to let off some steam. Getting creative and having a task to focus on is a great way to release some unspent energy or channel their emotions. 
• Watching TV, movies or YouTube videos – there are an unlimited number of resources available for children that help them to understand the world in a playful and indirect way. Popular TV shows such as Peppa Pig or YouTube channels such as ‘Songs for Littles’ by Ms Rachel promote children’s emotional development and help them to learn a range of skills. 

Make time to talk about your children’s mental health

Practice makes perfect! 

Getting children into a regular routine of talking about how they’re feeling will hopefully, eventually, make it second nature to them. 

Bear in mind that talking doesn’t have to be intense sit-down conversations. Depending on your child’s age and stage of development, as well as their personality, it’s a good idea to incorporate different methods of communication and make the most of opportunities that naturally arise. 

You could:

• Use everyday interactions as learning opportunities. For example, if you sit down to watch a film together, you might ask questions about the different characters and why they are happy, sad, scared, etc.
• Introduce a daily recap to your bedtime routine where you reflect on the day. You could ask for the highlights of the day as well as something they didn’t enjoy so much. 
• Get creative. As was mentioned above, in early years education, a child’s emotions are often a good way to understand their behaviour, but this can also work the other way. Ask your child to draw a picture or create a game; their responses are likely going to be a good insight into what’s going on in their mind. 

Remember that for positive emotional development and good mental health, children need to know that they are safe and validated. Take time to listen to your child and let them know that however they are feeling is perfectly okay, and there are always ways to work through even the most difficult of emotions.