How do I prepare my child for a new sibling?

Having a new baby is an exciting time for parents but for your child the prospect of sharing their parents’ love is hard, so here are some tips to help you deal with sibling rivalry and prepare your child for a new sibling – in the form of a new baby brother or new baby sister.    

Sibling rivalry: How does my child feel about having a new sibling?

How do you help a toddler adjust to a new baby?  A child aged 1-2 years old will not understand what it is going to mean to them to have a new brother or sister but they can still feel a whole range of emotions about it.

A child aged 2-4 years old is particularly territorial when it comes to their parents. This is especially the case for the child with no siblings. Up to this point in their life they have had their parents all to themselves and their full attention. Children crave their parents’ attention and do not want anything to jeopardise their comfort and place in the family.

• Jealous. A child might feel jealous and resent the attention given to a new sibling. They may be clingy and demanding as a result.
• Upset. The child may get upset because they think they will not be able to spend as much time with their parent.   
• Scared. The child could get scared because they may fear they will be loved less when their new sibling arrives.
• Nervous. The child may be anxious because they may not know what to expect. 
• The child might wet the bed, have tantrums or nightmares.
• Regressive behaviour. Once the baby arrives, your child might try to let you know they want attention too by acting younger e.g. wetting themselves, thumb sucking, wanting to wear nappies again or trying to drink from a bottle. 
• Aggressive. Some toddlers will feel they are being pushed out of the spotlight. They can take out their anger on the baby getting their parents’ attention. Be prepared that this may end up in your child hitting or pinching the baby.

These feelings are normal. You can prepare your child before the birth of a sibling by talking to them about it.

What can I say to my child about a new baby?

Before the baby arrives

• Give your child a chance to get used to the idea of a new baby by telling them as soon as a baby bump begins to show. Talk to the child about the ‘baby bump’.
• Be excited and smile when you talk about the new sibling to your child.
• If you have chosen a name for the baby, start using it when speaking to your child.   
• A young child can learn words such as ‘sister’, ‘brother’, ‘baby’.
• Show your child any baby scan photos of the baby inside the ‘baby bump’ and describe where baby’s head, legs etc are in the photo of scan.  
• Picture books can help a young child learn about babies and siblings. This also illustrates how the child can interact with the baby.
• If the new sibling is being adopted/born by surrogacy, show them a photo of the child being adopted, the surrogate’s baby bump or a picture of a pregnant woman. Explain that the new baby will join the family. 
• Explain that their new baby brother or sister will come to live with the family soon.
• Ask them how they feel about having a new sibling.
• Be prepared to answer their questions.
• Reassure your child that you love them. Give them lots of hugs. Tell them they will be a great ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’.
• Explain that they must be gentle when playing with their pregnant parent.  
• Tell them that you will still spend time with them after baby is born.
• Explain what will happen when Mummy goes to hospital e.g. explain who will be looking after them, when the baby is being born. 
• Tell them the new sibling will cry but this is normal and they did the same when they were a baby.   
• Explain that a baby cannot do things on their own like feed themselves. Their parent will need to feed the baby, change their nappy and put them to sleep.  
• Talk to them about the good, fun things that will happen as a result of the new sibling’s arrival, e.g. child can play with them. Tell them they can teach their new sibling things.
• Ask them what they would like to do for their new brother/sister or what gift they would like to give them. Perhaps encourage them to draw a picture of themselves to show the new sibling.   

What else can I do to prepare a child for a new sibling?

• Let your child talk to the baby ‘bump’.
• Visits to see family or friends with babies and siblings can also be helpful.
• Explain the child is delicate and we must be gentle with him/her and use ‘kind hands’. Use a doll to demonstrate how a baby should be touched and how the parent will hold the baby etc.
• Cartoons and TV programmes showing families with babies can help as well as visits to a friend’s house who has a baby to show them how they can interact with a baby.    
• Make sure each parent spends 1-1 time with the child which can be continued after the sibling arrives, even if this is just 15 minutes a day e.g. reading a bedtime story.   
• If any changes in the child’s routine will occur e.g. a different person/parent will take and collect them from nursery or they will sleep in a different place, introduce the change a few months before their new sibling is born so that the older child doesn’t feel like too much has changed overnight.  
• Get them involved in helping you prepare an overnight bag for the child to use if they are staying overnight somewhere else while the baby is being born.
• Let the child pick out toys/gifts/clothes for their sibling.
• Get the child involved in helping out to prepare for the baby e.g. helping choose decorations (such as types of animals) for the baby room.
• You could encourage them to draw a picture of themselves with the baby.
• Consider, if possible, getting development tasks such as toilet training or weaning achieved with your older child well before a new baby arrives. 

When baby is coming

• If you are leaving for the hospital to be ready for the birth of a child, be sure to explain that you will return in a few days with the baby.
• Remind your child that you love them with lots of cuddles and kisses.

After the baby is born

Your older child might behave differently after their sibling arrives. They might try to let you know they want attention too by acting younger e.g. wetting themselves, wanting to wear nappies again or drink from a bottle.  This is temporary and normal for children.  

A mum described how her 2.5-year-old son is “quite jealous” of his four-week-old sibling, in a post shared on mumsnet.com. 

The mother of two said she: “tried my hardest to prepare for arrival of baby – books explaining, lots of cuddles, reassurance etc.

“Behaviour previously was pretty good. Toddler is now hanging off me whenever I breastfeed. Despite trying to engage them in games, stories etc at the same time, they just hang on me.

“Bedtime was previously uneventful and would happily lie down and have cuddles and fall asleep generally pretty quickly. Now…he is being very attention seeking, getting out of bed and messing about, running around and hitting (then laughing at my telling him off).”

Sibling rivalry: How do I make my older child feel special after baby arrives?  

As highlighted in this mum’s experience, caring for a new born baby and a young child has many challenges.  So how can you make a young child feel valued when a new baby is born?    

• Your older child could be particularly clingy while you are feeding baby.    Consider giving the child a doll (with doll accessories like a feeding bottle and cloth) that they can care for. Give it to them when you need to feed the baby. She or he can use the doll to copy how you care for the baby or to express his emotions.   
• Your child may show anger towards the baby and get physical. It is better to let them express themselves in other ways by highlighting they use ‘kind hands’. You could get them to express how they feel by drawing a picture e.g. fire breathing dragon.  
• It is important to take time to talk to your child about their day at nursery, friends etc. While parents are busy with their newborn, try if possible, to keep much of the older child’s daily routine the same. This will make the older child feel that some things have not changed.
• Have 1-1 time with your older child even if it is just for 10-20 minutes. Ensure that there is also 1-1 time between your partner and child. This time is for them and happens before as well as after the new baby arrives to give the older child a sense that some things do not change.  
• Talk to them about fun things you plan to do with them that week. 
• Give the child a sense of responsibility. Make them feel included with little tasks to help out.
• When family and friends arrive with gifts for the new sibling, consider letting your older child unwrap gifts for their sibling. To make your older child feel special, you could give your child a small treat from you or the new baby e.g. stickers or a colouring book. If your friends’ gifts are toys for an older child (e.g. blocks) consider letting your older child play with them first.   
• Reward your child in front of others with hugs and compliments for good deeds e.g. handing you a nappy, patiently waiting for you to finish a task or telling you the baby’s crying.  
• Organise play dates for your older child so they can let play with children their age.    

What books help prepare children for a new sibling?

There are lots of resources including early years books to help children learn and understand more about new siblings.

Here are a few books about babies for young children:  

• Spot’s Big Sister by Eric Hill
• Lulu and the noisy baby by Camilla Reid
• There’s a house inside Mummy by Giles Andreae 
• Waiting for Baby by Rachel Fuller

How long will it take for my child to adjust to a new baby brother or new baby sister?

Your child’s feelings about a new sibling are normal. It should not be a cause for concern. As you can see there are lots of practical tips that you can follow to help prepare your child for the birth of a new baby. Your older child’s feelings towards their sibling can evolve over time into a more positive sibling relationship.

It is important to give yourself a break when faced with the challenges of a newborn and sibling rivalry. Bear in mind that some children may never get used to the idea of a sibling. According to one family member, a four-year-old girl had been prepared by her parents before the birth of her little brother, but says she still had “a face like thunder” when he was born. The sibling rivalry never went away as she still “ignores him even as an 18-year-old!”